I am officially no longer a citizen under my maiden name. I’m a new person, according to the government. When people read my name, they’re going to be very surprised to see a tiny, little white girl showing up behind a long, Zimbabwean name.
So I go to the DMV this morning; last week I saw Zooptopia twice. These are related because in Zootopia there are sloths. There is a DMV. At the DMV (in Zootopia), the workers are SLOTHS. This was my favorite part of the movie. Now, I love living in a semi-small town in the South because the DMV is a piece of cake. The longest I’ve ever had to wait was when I was 16 and needed to take my driving test. Since then, it’s only been like a 10-20 minute wait, so I’m grateful.
I know that many a lady has complained about the name-changing process being a hassle. Compared to getting our marriage certificate, this has been a walk in the park. Here’s a funny story about getting our marriage certificate.
One day my handsome fiance and I stroll into the DMV to get our marriage certificate. We are so anxious for the Chickfila that is awaiting us afterwards (we may have a problem) that we rush through the thing. We give our info. We give our “proof of counseling” notarized card (btw, highly suggest; it discounted the cost almost 50% for us.) We smile as we sign, holding hands and making googly eyes at each other because OMG in 3 weeks we are about to be husband and wife and go to the beach and get it on. By get it on, I mean getting our beach life on. Obviously. I love the beach.
A couple days later, I need Pai’s social security number to add him as a beneficiary on my retirement plan. He sends me his SSN with the cool invisible ink feature on our phones and I notice Hey. . . this is not the same number on our marriage certificate.
So at lunch that day we go BACK to the DMV so Pai can write down his proper SSN.
We get in the car. New, fresh license in hand and Pai looks at our marriage certificate and says, “Wait. . . this doesn’t look right.” WHAT. WHO HAVE I BEEN MARRIED TO TWICE ALREADY?!
A few days later, Pai brings his social security card with him to the DMV. We do the walk of shame in. To get a marriage certificate. For the third time. The lady laughed. We laughed. We’re officially married to each other. I also have his SSN memorized for myself in case he ever needs it again.
All that to say – getting my driver’s license was easy-peasy lemon squeezy.
When I got there 2 minutes after the DMV opened, there were already 5 people in front of me. Evidently it’s everyone’s idea to get in and get it done first thing in the morning. Where are the procrastinators?!
And then the automated voice that calls the ticket numbers SOUNDS like the sloth from Zootopia. “Now calling A. . . . . 0. . . . .0. . . .4”
I go up to my counter and guess what. THERE’S A SLOTH ON THE COUNTER. “Oh my gosh, is that from Zootopia?!” Don’t even ask. The lady tells me.
For all my pale, Caucasian ladies, here’s a little tip for you newbies getting married in the winter time.
DMV Name Changing Tip # 1
Wait until the summer to change your license picture. Winter time Christina – looks like a vampire. Summer time Christina – isn’t tan, but isn’t suuuuper white. She just looks like a normal human being. But winter time driver’s license photo? I could give Edward Cullen a run for his money. Can we just all agree that driver’s license pictures should a) be selfies with the XX Pro filter on it or b) your favorite picture from Facebook or c) a wedding photo? Let’s be real, the wedding day is going to be the only day of your life where you feel the prettiest you’ve ever felt.
DMV Name Changing Tip # 2
DON’T WEAR BROWN EYESHADOW. I am admittedly pretty boring in my color selection. I like the browns on my eyes and I like the greys and blacks for my clothes. Once my sister got me a purple scarf “because you just wear a lot of grey.” This morning I contemplated being adventurous and wearing my Urban Decay Smog pallette. It is a Friday, after all. But I thought “noooo. You don’t want your eyes to party TOO hard in your license picture.” Instead I put on some lipstick and lipgloss to make sure my lips were poppin. M.I.S.T.A.K.E. Not only do I look like a vampire, my eyes say “I can’t open them all the way because I’ve not finished my coffee and I look sick. I’m not sick, it’s just the choice of brown eyeshadow. It really helps my white skin to glow even more.”
DMV Name Changing Tip #3
Curl your hair. It adds volume, taking up the entire photo frame, making sure there is minimal blue space behind you.
It took me 4 tries to fit my new name on my license. It all just looks like little squiggles. I need a cup of coffee.