Even though I see God’s hand evident in my life every day, I am still hurting. Trials make us stronger, but can still hurt us. This is okay. God needs me to be broken so that the Master can pick up my pieces of brokenness and create something beautiful with my life. He cannot purify me without fire – and I need to be purified through the flames of the Holy Spirit. If my life had no trials, there would be no reason to grow. I’m perfectly okay living in stability and enjoying the comfort of stability, but with stability there is no growth and there is no reason to need faith. That is what my faith is teaching me right now – continue to trust in God and have faith even when I have no hope. He is my hope. I will grow from this. God can take my brokenness and turn me into a vessel of love. He continues to pour His love into me and my cup overflows into the lives of others who need his love. 
Just because I am a Christian and I believe God, I believe in God, and I trust God does not mean my life is happy-go-lucky all the time. I’m allowed to have bad days. I don’t have to be a rubber band and bounce back to life. I’m allowed to hurt. But I know that I’m okay, because the Creator of the Universe still holds me in His hands. He has prepared for this trial, and continues to hold me and carry me through. I will come out a better person on the other side. But for now, I’m allowed to cry. 
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A New Chapter

So I had this moment where I fixed a broken toilet all by myself and I thought “Wow. Maybe I could be totally okay being by myself.” Then I saw the shadow of a raised arm in the shower and freaked out, only to realize it was my own arm. So then again, maybe I wouldn’t mind having someone to protect me from the boogie-man.
That aside: Life transitions are rough.  God was doing so many awesome things in my life, and I could see his hand in everything.  I was praising him for how amazing my life seemed.  Then it felt like crap hit the fan and spread it all over.  Life was not going the way I wanted.  And all I could do was cry.  I especially didn’t want to cry.  I hate crying.  But I found myself crying.  And I hated it.  So I accepted that I was crying and got over it.  However, amongst all the chaos that is my life, there is a lighthouse.  
While life is not going how I thought, or planned, God is still in control.  He is sovereign, and he has been faithfully showing me every single day that He is sovereign.  He loves me, and I can trust Him.  I don’t know what is going to happen, and that is okay.  He still has his hand in everything!  Even though life is not how I want it, He knows what is going to happen.  When everything seems hopeless, we can hope in Him.  There is a reason for everything that happens.  He makes all things good.  And He gets all the glory.  When it feels like there is just a big obstacle in the road, God is simply saying Trust me.  I am Sovereign.  I am in control.

I’m almost 20.  In less than a month, I can no longer call myself a hormonal teenager.  I’ll be a hormonal woman in her 20’s.  EEEK! This is so scary.  I’m not old enough to be 20.  Yet I am.  The big 2013 glares at me every time I fill in 1993 as my birth date.  I know things won’t seem different until I’m sitting alone in my apartment in a couple years, eating Gelato and realizing I don’t have the money to pay for my bills, but I mean wow.  The coolest thing about this is that God is closing doors and finishing the pages for this chapter I’ve been in.  He turning the page and writing a new chapter in my life.  While I’m sad to see one chapter closing, I couldn’t be more excited to see what God has ahead for me in this new chapter of my life.  Plus, I’m really happy to not be a teenager anymore.  While it was good, good riddance.  God has opened a new chapter.  THIS IS SO COOL!
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Trying to Understand Finals

Here’s what I don’t get about the dreaded finals week.  Let’s take the spring semester, for example:
You take a bunch of college students who probably have checked out mentally when the trees grew leaves and the first heat wave occurred and then one professor says “Hey, I want you to gather your 900 pages of notes for my class, and devote all your time to studying for my exam.”  The next professor says “Hey! I’m pretty sure that I’m the only class you’re taking.  Please devote all your time to studying for my exam.” And so on, and so forth. (Luckily, most of my finals are just writing papers, and I would take that over an exam any day. Hoorah for English majors!)
Did I mention we checked out mentally in March? Yeah, we all did.  But now we’re forced to realize that we were only pretending to know what Existentialism meant for the entirety of our class, and now we have to know what it actually means.
We’re all tired.  We’re all hungry.  And we’re all hyped up on Starbucks caffeine.  So we’re all out of money, too.
On top of that, we have to move everything out. 
I want a nap.  And a juice.  And a clean room. 
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