21 Grown Up Things I Don’t Know How to Do Yet

I turn 21 today, and I also plucked a chin hair. I remember thinking about the day I would turn 21 and I thought I would have already graduated college, and I never thought I would get chin hair. But I’m in college, and Fern (that’s what I named my chin hair) had to meet the Tweezer of Doom.

I don’t know if I’m so ready for this growing up thing, but my freshly printed ID that says I am now 21 says I am. Eek. I mean, I still have a lot to learn.

1) For starters, what the heck is a 401k? I know it has to do with retirement, but I don’t know what. Here’s to hoping my future husband knows all about that stuff and can handle all that. #feminism

2) Spanx are for adult women who like to wear tight dresses but still have the pooch. Embrace the pooch, and embrace the Spanx.

3) Budgeting and saving money. Read: I don’t. Let’s not even talk about my bank account right now.

4) To like vegetables. I swear, I ate an all vegetarian dish the other day and LOVED it. But there was cheese. Eating veggies straight no chaser? No thanks.

5) How to do/how to care about my taxes. Here’s to hoping (again) I marry someone who knows how to do this stuff. It is just not my game. I am all for letting a dude do it.

6) How to actually make enough money so that I’ll get a substantial tax return. Hahahahahaha I’m going to be a social worker. Pretty soon I’ll have to kiss my weekly lattes goodbye.

7) How to shave under my arms without getting razor burn. Is this even possible? I’m thinking about going European over here. #canthandleit

8) Getting to bed at a decent hour. I have this 2 am – 10 am habit in the summer time. It’s terrible, I know. And totally unprofessional of me. Sorry bout it.

9) Using an address book. I think I should have one, it’s just like the grown up thing to do. But do we really need it anymore with Facebook and all? I guess so, it’s not like Facebook is “Addressbook.”

10) Liking red wine. For health purposes, of course. But I will not like beer. I refuse to like beer. Beer smells like pee and I don’t like being around beer and people who drink beer stink. Literally.

11) How to cook with kale. Actually, what is kale?

12) Properly using an eyebrow pencil. These strong and thick bad boys are alll mine, but I’d love to have that evened out look, since, you know, I pull my eyebrows out when I’m stressed.

13) Speaking of, dropping bad habits like pulling out my eyebrows when stressed. Hello, adulthood.

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14) The art of self-control when it comes to Netflix. Maaaaaybe this is why I don’t go to sleep until 2 am.

15) How to enjoy waking up early. I had to wake up at 7 this morning. I don’t wanna talk about it. I’m trying to wear my IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I’M HAPPY!!! face

16) Enjoying Sweet Tea. I’m not saying all grown ups enjoy Sweet Tea, but sophisticated ones, and especially people from the South love their Sweet Tea. I was born in the North, so that’s my excuse as to why I think it’s nasty.

17) Grocery shopping. Read also: riding the struggle bus. I’m just too distracted for this job. I even bought mom the wrong thing last night. Whoops. (Sorry Mom)

18) Which brings me to cooking. I want to learn how to cook. I want to love to cook. The problem is, by the time I’m done cooking, I’m not even hungry anymore.

19) Broaden my vocabulary. Like, I should totes stop using slang now, right? It doesn’t sound adorbs on adults anymore, does it?

20) Two words: Time. Management. Four words: I. Can’t. Do. It. The end.

21) Crossing out 21 already, because don’t worry, I know how to be responsible.
 

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The Coveted Thigh Gap

I want to punch someone whenever I see World Cup Jokes tweet photos of
different players’ girlfriends: “He may not score on the field, but he
scores off the field!” and things like that. Why have we become such an
image focused society? Our focus has switched to appearance rather than
the heart of a person, their intelligence, and what they contribute to
society as a person rather than as a photo. 

 

I also need all these girls to stop posting their perfect bikini body pictures on Pinterest, with their flat abs and thigh gaps all over the place, so that I can eat my cupcakes and chicken wings in peace. Yes, I am also guilty of falling into the trap of an appearance focused society. Thanks, Sports Illustrated.

 

But really though, this has gotten a little bit ridiculous. The thigh gap, I mean.

 

What even is this thigh gap? What kind of workouts does one do in order to get this newly coveted thigh gap?

 

Personally, I don’t want one. I am a thin person, but my thighs definitely touch at a point, and I’m okay with that.

However, I’ve overheard my middle school aged sister talk about trying to get this thigh gap. Girls are so mean, and I would never wish middle school on my worst enemy. You remember middle school: your body started changing, you grew birthing hips and triangle boobs and you just felt like such the awkward turtle. I had a meltdown one day because my hair was messy all the time, and I didn’t feel beautiful in anything I wore. To compound the problem, at that age you have an imaginary audience, so you feel and fear like everyone is looking at you with a high powered lens, and can see that whitehead on your chin that actually looks like a Jupiter and oh! There’s all his moons surrounding your cheeks.

 

I am legitimately concerned for the younger women in our society. With social media, it becomes harder to ignore the images of other women all shapes and sizes surrounding us. Our idealized standard of beauty is getting even harder and harder to obtain. You can’t go on Twitter without seeing a retweet of “Losing 10 pounds in just 24 hours with this dieting secret!” along with a before and after picture of a tubby stomach and then flat abs. You know what that secret is? Starvation and photoshop. Our baby sisters, nieces, and daughters are growing up hating their bodies because their imperfections are magnetized by the so-called “flawlessness” surrounding us. 

 

This is going to sound annoying coming from someone who wears a single digit pant size. But every girl, no matter what the scale says, hates something about herself. I get frustrated almost daily because I feel like I show off a stomach pudge to the world, and when I sit down I feel like I look pregnant. Granted, this is my own perspective and I don’t think people pay as much attention to the parts of my body that I hate as much as I do. I want to be a healthy, fit weight, but I don’t want to become obsessed with my appearance. With each pound I gain, I become increasingly aware of where I gained it, which makes me even more aware of my attitude towards my appearance. I don’t think that I’m fat, and I don’t think that I’m overweight, but I do see that I am not flawless, and I struggle with that. I fear gaining weight, but I do not want to become the type of woman who becomes obsessed with dieting, juicing cleanses, and working out. I want to become a woman who eats health[ier than I eat right now, bye bye Cheetos] and does Zumba or runs because I enjoy it, not because I want to lose weight. I want to set a good example of loving my body for my middle school sister, because I don’t want her to grow up in a society where she believes she’s ugly because her thighs touch. 

I want to encourage a society where women, each shape and size, love their bodies and learn to respect their bodies, so that each woman exudes the confidence to others that she is beautiful, even if she has a muffin top.

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5 Easy Steps to Being a Girlfriend During the World Cup

I didn’t know if you knew this, but the World Cup starts today in Brazil at 4 pm. Unless you’re in Texas like me, then it will start at 3 pm. Or if you’re in Brazil, the official start time is 17:00, or 15:00. I don’t know, the Internet is confused with itself.

 

Reasons to never move to Brazil: they use military time. Although, according to the Buzzfeed quiz I took yesterday, “Which country do you belong in?” I belong in Brazil. 

 

This world World Cup thing is all very exciting, except that I don’t watch soccer on tv. I did however play soccer for one year in high school and I loved it. I was even the leading goal scorer on our team with like 5 goals the whole season. Don’t worry, we lost all the time. 

 

My boyfriend, though, played soccer pretty much all his life. I guess that’s what happens when you have an African boyfriend, he rocks at soccer and even has a cool accent sometimes. (Thank You, Sweet Baby Jesus, for answering my prayers.)  Yesterday I woke up to a text from him and I thought “Awww he sent me a good morning text!” Good morning texts are always wonderful, unless there is no good morning, and it just starts with “I wish it was like other countries. They shut down businesses so people can watch the World Cup.” He has to work right about the time the game starts. If I were a sweet girlfriend, and lived closer than two hours away from him, I would totally DVR it for him. 

 

If you are a soccer girlfriend, though, here are a few ways to keep your man happy during the World Cup

 

Isn’t he dreaaaamy? 😉

1: Download an app to know when all the games are, and especially when his favorite team is playing.

 

2: Know his favorite team. If you don’t know his favorite team (Manchester United) then you’re already off to a rough start. It helps to know a few players as well. Also, know what constitutes a goal. Hint: They kick the ball into the net.

 

3: Don’t text him during the game, unless it’s about the game. If he doesn’t respond for like 3 hours to an important text, just check your app. This is why the app is super important. It’s basically an easy way to keep track of your boy toy – in a totally non-creepy, non-stalkerish girlfriend kind of way. If you see there is a game going on, no worries! He’s just in his FIFA cave.

 

4: If you are physically with him, don’t talk to him until commercials. Bring him chips and open his drink for him, too. Let’s just flush feminism down the toilet for like one month. 

 

5: If you have the attention span to watch a sports event on TV, watch the game so you two have something to talk about. Earn brownie points, and watch your relationship blossom in front of your soccer watching eyeballs.

 

No, friends, that is not a nickname.

 

Note: Things NOT To Do
 
Root for the team with the nicest uniforms
Root for the team with the cutest players
Root for the Spain just because they are ranked #1
Root for Brazil just because it’s their home turf 

 

 Happy World Cupping, Friends!

 

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Trek to Texas: Day 1

Day 1 of the Trek to Texas and we’ve already had someone pass some rank gas in the backseat of the Burb. #wasntme

 

Yesterday afternoon 8 of us loaded up in our Suburban and started the trek to Texas for my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary. We’re having a family reunion with all of my grandparent’s kids and their families

Packing 8 of us into a car is getting harder and harder these days. We’re all growing taller, and by taller I mean not very tall at all, and our booties have become something of substance rather than having the normal childhood case of Buttlessness.

 

One time in high school this guy prank called me and said “Hello, I’m Dr. So and So and we heard you’re suffering a serious case of Noassatall, I’d like to prescribe something for you.” Yes, sir, I’d like to prescribe for you a hundred leggos to step on barefoot. 

We’re breaking up the trip to Texas in 3 parts. Today, we’re in Memphis.

 

Because we didn’t want to pay $300 per room per night at the Peabody Hotel, we’re staying at the *insert Pitbull voice here* Hotel Motel Holiday Inn.

 

BUT. We did march ourselves over to the Peabody Hotel, promptly at 11 o’clock, to witness the ever adorable Peabody Marching Ducks.

 

 

 

I hope that video upload worked, cause they’re stinkin’ adorable. 

 

 I’ve decided I want a pet duck. Ahem: my birthday is in 14 days. The Duck Master mentioned that several people get married at the Peabody Hotel. Wouldn’t it be the ultimate to get married, and have the ducks be the ring bearer? Ultimate and expensive. Which is why I will never do that. But it’s a fun thought. 

 

 

 
This will be my child’s sippy cup.

The rest of the family went to Graceland, but Charis and I, being the punks we are, decided to stay back at the hotel and lounge by the pool. Only to find out that A) my other sister accidentally took my bathing suit with her and B) the pool is closed. Who the heck keeps an outdoor pool closed when it’s 80+ degrees of pure humidity outside?! Crazy people, that’s who. So here we are. Chilling in the humid hotel room. Blogging. But all will be right with the world when we get our hands on some Memphis BBQ for dinner. Thank you Jesus.

 

No open pool??? Thanks Obama.

 

I’m helping my baby sister set up a blog. She’s taking after me. What can I say.

 

She even let me cut her some straight across bangs the other day. I had never cut hair before. Muahahaha. 

 

 Sorry not sorry that my upcoming posts will be boring, vacationy, and iphone picture heavy. Thanks for sticking by me. The sarcastic me will be back momentarily.

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What Chick Flicks Taught Me

According to the rom coms of the day, life is a fairy tale. An awkward fairy tale. At this point, I’m convinced that I’m going to live happily ever after in a furnished New York apartment (because that’s where everyone lives according to movies) with my hottie husband; we’ll have three children, a nanny, and we would both work high-powered jobs and still have time for date night.

 

Here are a few things chick flicks have also taught me.

 

The Proposal

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  You can be a hateful boss, blackmail your employee and force him to marry you, and in the end, right before you’re deported, he’ll say “Marry me, because I want to date you.” *wipes tear from eye.* I want a cranky underpaid, old money editor, too.

 

Just Like Heaven

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  No, you’re not a freak if you’re in love with a ghost. And stealing a patient out of the hospital will have no consequences whatsoever except a happy ending.

 

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

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Using your lover for your article (or blog post) is no biggie. He’ll still want you in the end. Just don’t name his you-know-what Princess Sophia and you’re golden.

 

Clueless

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Making out with your ex-step-brother is not at all frowned upon or weird. Not at all. But first you must fall in love with your gay best friend. As if!

 

Pretty Woman

 

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If you escort a rich business man he’ll pull up in a limo and rescue you from prostitution. Warning: sleazy business partners might come onto you as well.

 


13 Going on 30

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Your dorky 13 year old best friend is going to be an adorable 30 year old. Be nice to him now and he’ll love you later. Also, he’ll have a sexy morning voice all. day. long.

 

Titanic

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Every man for himself. Even though that door was big enough for Jack, too, the weight of both of them would have caused the door to sink. Rose was just looking out for #1. Look out for yourself and if your lover dies, you’ll marry another one and die an old lady after you make a stupid decision to throw the heart of the ocean into the heart of the ocean. 

 

Legally Blonde

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The best revenge is to become a hot law student, marry your mentor, and make more money than your ex. 4 for Glenn Coco and none for Warner Terdface

 

My Best Friend’s Wedding

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Sometimes you never make it out of the Friend Zone. Keep your GBF around as a fall back.

 

Princess Diaries


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If you have frizzy hair, you’ll get sat on. Change your appearance, become a princess, and you’ll get your foot poppin’ kiss.


These are seriously some of my favorite chick flicks of all time. What have chick flicks taught you?
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