Why Your Marriage is the Best


Why You Should Think Your Marriage is the Best Marriage

I was talking to one of my good friends the other day about the tension between talking about your relationship in a healthy way versus bombarding everyone with how “perfect” your lives are.

In today’s social media society, the feed is constant. We are seeing what everyone ate, what they are wearing, and why they are celebrating this and that. Being a lifestyle blogger who likes to talk about relationships, I’m very aware about what image I set forth. I first and foremost want to honor my husband in everything I say and do – whether in person or online. So you won’t see me over here airing out our dirty laundry. In instances where I have talked about an argument or point of tension, it is always something I have first cleared with him, and I am sharing it so as to speak constructively to that issue.

Even though Mr. M and I laugh, and have healthy and constructive conversation 85% of the time, 3% of the time I’m being whiny and dramatic, and 2% of the time we do pick at each other and argue.* (The other 10% of the time is filled with important things like paying bills and watching Netflix.)

*It is here that I would like to send out a general forewarning to all single and engaged women: husbands find it funny to purposefully annoy you or hide behind doors and jump out and scare you as you’re walking up from your creepy basement.

When I was in college, I was having dinner one night with my same friend as mentioned above, and her boyfriend at the time (now husband.) She had gotten up from the table to go get something from the cafeteria, and while she walked away, her boyfriend turned to me and told me how amazing she was and how much he loved her. Listening to him talk, I found myself wishing that one day I would get to marry a man who would be as verbally affectionate about me as my friend’s boyfriend was about her.

(Fast forward four years later, and my friend is now married to her college sweetheart, and I’m married to a man who is incredibly verbally affectionate towards me and about me to other people. Anytime I hear him talk about me to someone else, it warms my heart and makes think back to that time where I got to witness that kind of love between my friend and her man.)

Why You Should Think Your Marriage is the Best Marriage

In Dating

At that time, I was not dating my husband, and since I was not yet married, it was appropriate for me to notice something that worked well in someone else’s relationship that I wanted too. I was able to see how my friends and their boyfriends treated them and see what I wanted in a healthy marriage relationship one day.

When you are single or dating someone, this is the season to observe the relationships of those around you. In the season of singleness and/or dating, this observation period is vital for the health of your marriage one day. If you see an unhealthy relationship through your friend, you know what not to do and what not to look for in a partner. Whereas if you see a character aspect you like, then you get a better idea of what characteristics you would like to see one day in your future spouse.

In Marriage

In marriage, things look a little different. Once you have said, “I do,” your goal is “till death do you part.” So when you see something you love about your friend’s relationship that is absent in your own, it would be inappropriate to dwell on that aspect in comparison to your own relationship in a negative light because it can cause resentment against your spouse.

What do I mean?

When you see something in someone else’s marriage that you want, celebrate it for their relationship. If it is something you want to bring into your relationship, ask yourself a few questions:

Why do I want to incorporate this into my relationship?

How would this positively affect my relationship with my spouse? 

What can I do to incorporate this into my marriage? 

Noticing what works in other people’s relationships is healthy and should be recognized. If it something that convicts you and makes you realize you want to be better at X,Y, and Z with your spouse, then celebrate that as you bring it into your marriage. But using others’ highlight reels as a measurement against what doesn’t work in your own relationship is a dangerous downward spiral.

Why You Should Think Your Marriage is the Best

I am a huge advocate of “If you don’t think your marriage is the best, you’re doing it wrong.” Why is that? Because I want to enjoythe uniqueness of the type of relationship Mr. M and I have. Much like those around us, our relationship cannot be duplicated. There are so many nuances and quirks that each of us bring into this relationship that can either make us laugh and draw us closer to each other, or irritate us and push us away from each other.

Let’s take working out – for instance.

I’m a super whiny work out partner. I wish I wasn’t, and I’m sure my husband wishes I wasn’t too.

But lately I’ve been bucking up and going at my work outs like a beast.


He made me do something that was hard that I didn’t want to do and I whined to him in front of all the cool strong kids at the gym. Not my finest moment, I know. But he knew what he was getting into before we got married.

If he looked around and saw another couple who was killin’ it and said, “Look at them! Why can’t we be more like them?” Then I would  have been DEVASTATED (and probably started passive aggressively lifting something really heavy to get my angry energy out.) But instead of looking around and comparing us to someone else, he took my whineyness in stride (and laughed rather than getting angry.) It frustrated him, but like I said – he knew what we was getting to before we got married. And even if he doesn’t like that sometimes I’m dramatic in the gym, he celebrates me and he honors the type of relationship we have.

Your relationship is not going to be like anyone else’s. So celebrate the gift that each of you have brought to the table. When you are able to look at your spouse and truly appreciate them for who they are, then you will have the best marriage you know.

Celebrate Your Marriage!

Living in Limbo [Creating Space]

Creating Space

Creating Space is a 5 part series that will be featured on Hugs & Lattes every Wednesday through the month of November. This is the 4th installment. To view last three posts, see here and here and here. Please note that the interviewee’s experiences are their own; they cannot speak for anyone and everyone in their circumstances. While stories may be similar, each individual has their own perspective. 

I have no idea how I first came to follow Divya’s blog, but as I noticed her posting pictures on her Facebook page, I realized that a lot of the background scenery looked eerily familiar – like – she was living where I grew up. Let me tell you, friends, coming from small town East Tennessee, you never expect to find someone on the Internet who lives where you are from. I reached out to her about a year ago and we compared notes about life in rural East Tennessee. I have loved following Diya’s blog; she has so many wise observations about the world, self-care, and life. My all-time favorite post is one of her most recent posts where she recaps her sister’s wedding in Cancun. And now I am determined to somehow be invited and/or crash an Indian wedding one day because oh. my. word. They know how to party! I’m glad that I have the opportunity to introduce you guys to an amazing blogger who is sharing her experiences growing up in America and transplanting to East Tennessee. (Which, let’s be real, is like being in a whole ‘nother country for some of y’all.)

Creating Space

Tell me About You

Tell me a little about yourself, your family, where you grew up, etc. 

I spent 30 years of my life as a resident of California. (Seriously. Moving day was ON my 30th birthday). I grew up in Southern California, attended UCLA for college, and then, after I completed my Masters and credentialing program I moved up to the Bay Area to begin teaching up there. I’m a special education teacher and I absolutely adore spending my day figuring out how to connect with little ones and identifying how to best meet their needs.

What has it been like to move from California to a small town in East Tennessee with a small minority population?

In June of 2016, I moved across country to rural Tennessee so my husband could pursue his dream of becoming a doctor. From spending most of my life in a big city or the surrounding suburbs, I went through quite a bit of culture shock when I moved out here. Not to mention, I look a whole lot different than the average resident.

I was fortunate and found a teaching job almost immediately and spent the months between August-March teaching as a 4th grade inclusion teacher at a local elementary school. In March, I decided to quit. It was really difficult to be an outsider coming in and suggesting changes being made to a pretty cemented system. I figured I could be a better advocate for my students if I wasn’t an employee of the county. Now, I’m temporarily working an administrative job at the university my husband attends school at.

Tell me about your faith and why it is important to you. 

My faith. Oh, my faith. It’s a tricky thing to explain to people. I grew up in a divided household. Both of my parents were born Hindus. My mom continues to practice her faith and my dad identifies as being somewhere between Atheist and Agnostic. Because Hinduism is so much more than a religion – it’s got a bit of culture tied into everything – I grew up practicing a lot of the traditions and participating in the prayers because it all blended together. It’s hard to really categorize each holiday or celebration as being “religious” or not.

My mom has a mandir (a shrine with statues and images of all the gods and goddesses) both upstairs and downstairs in my childhood home. And – from the day I popped out of her womb – she has been committed to praying once in the morning and once in the evening. She would make us stand at the mandir before an exam or before a big presentation. And she would make sure we repeated the Gayatri Mantra (a sacred chant) before we were allowed to open our eyes and step away from the mandir.

My father, on the other hand, believes that religion is so much more than standing in front of a deity and praying. He believes religion is in your day to day conduct. Your behavior. Your ability to stand in front of a mirror and say, “Was I the best possible person I could possibly be today?”

My father grew up in India at a time when the Muslim/Hindu riots were at a really high, stressful point. He was just a child, but he can still vividly remember homes being burned down, people dying, and horrible things happening. Because of religion. So, needless to say, he hasn’t been a big fan of the whole religion thing.

So, it’s hard to really know what MY faith is when I grew up in a divided, confusing household. I feel fortunate that neither one of my parents pushed anything on me or my sister. They gave us room to figure it out on our own.

Today, I identify as being a Hindu. And in the Hindu religion, we have many gods and goddesses. It is an all-inclusive religion. Hindus believe there is a single eternal path, but do not believe that any one religion is the only valid religion. The “eternal path” is seen reflected in all religions. And that kind of acceptance and love for all is what draws me to identifying with being a Hindu.

Creating Space

On Identity

How has growing up in America shaped your identity?

I grew up in a predominately white neighborhood and was one of the few minority kids at my elementary school and high school. I, naturally, gravitated toward the other Asian kids. But despite my friend group, I still felt as though I stuck out. Sure, the color of my skin. But in other ways that were a little less obvious. When my friends came over, I would apologize that my house smelled like masala. When it was lunch time at school, I shamefully kept my sandwich inside my brown bag as I tore up piece by piece so my friends didn’t have to see that my mom had thrown in the Indian leftovers in between two pieces of toast. When my grandparents called on my cell phone, I would step away from the crowd I was with so they didn’t have to hear me speak in Hindi. It was a really challenging time to grow up in a place where you felt so different. I didn’t quite feel 100% Indian. But I didn’t quite feel 100% American. I was in limbo. And it was really, really confusing for my young brain.

Do you have any pivotal memories growing up that strengthened or weakened your perception and identity of who you are?

When I went to college and met other people who looked like me, grew up like me, celebrated the same traditions as me, I started embracing my culture. Surprisingly, I didn’t gravitate toward the Indian crowd the way other Indians tend to do in college. It was nice to know that they were there. But I just sort of observed them from a distance while I found a good group of friends through the organizations I was involved in. Because there was SO much diversity in college, I felt way more comfortable talking about my culture, sharing my Indian food that I brought from home after the weekends, etc.

What do you love about your culture?

Something I love about the Indian culture is the community. I spent my entire life calling random strangers “Aunty” and “Uncle” and, when I was younger, I genuinely thought I was related to every single person that came over to my house. But, turns out, that’s just what we do. It feels like family when I come across someone who is Indian because we know the same language, we eat the same foods, we celebrate the same holidays. And we’re loud and rambunctious and obnoxious. But when you’re in the midst of all the chaos, it just feels good to look around and feel at home.

Creating Space

Racism in America 

What are some microaggressions you have experienced in the US?

Most of the microaggressions have been due to a lack of understanding and (hopefully) not malevolent. I’ve been called Mexican quite a few times. Anytime we had a substitute teacher, I would cringe when I heard the sigh and then the lack of effort as they started to spell out the name. Since moving to the small town in Tennessee, I’ve had a number of people ask me why I’m here. Because I stand out. Again, none of these situations have made me feel unsafe. It was just me coming across people who were confused and/or curious.

What has been your response? 

Before this year, if anyone made a comment or a general judgment about Indian people, I could feel my blood boiling. I got really defensive and angry and wanted to throw it right back in their face. I remember – so vividly – an interaction with someone who was born and brought up in rural Tennessee. We were celebrating a co-worker’s birthday and he popped his head into the room and said, “Do they celebrate birthdays in India?” I was so taken aback by the question that I immediately fired back, “No. We’re all monkeys out there. We don’t really understand the concept of a birthday.” Everyone around me laughed. Most of them realized I was joking. And this man joined in on the laughter, but I could tell he felt a little uneasy. Like maybe he wasn’t sure if I was telling the truth. Like maybe he couldn’t tell if he offended me. It wasn’t until I went home later that evening that I realized that he probably didn’t know. He was asking a question. An honest question. And, instead of using it as an opportunity to share things about my culture, I just shot him down. I was pissed at his ignorance. But I didn’t offer a way out of that ignorance. I could have very easily opened up the channels to communicate about our different cultures, but because I was so defensive and uncomfortable at being viewed as different than the majority here, I just got angry.

How do you reconcile your faith in your religion/faith in humanity with the racial tension we have witnessed this past year?

I’m learning. Living here has been one of the greatest opportunities I have been given. Because it’s forcing me out of my California bubble. It’s forcing me to feel uncomfortable and move in closer to people who may have never met an Indian person in their entire life. It’s teaching me that I don’t have to blend in. That I can stand out. Even if it makes me feel awkward and unusual.

What is one thing you wish the white community could understand when it comes to race and racism in America?

I’m finding that I am living in fear more than anything else. Fear of vulnerability. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of feeling disconnected. Fear of criticism and judgment. Fear of thinking that people will be threatened by the color of my skin. And, with the current climate of our country, I worry that someone is going to view me as a terrorist. I don’t think this is something that is in the forefront of my mind all the time. I don’t fear walking into our local grocery store. I don’t fear going out to dinner. It’s just this dull fear that lives in me. All the time. That forces me to assimilate and acclimate to the culture around me so people don’t think that I’m any different. I notice myself doing it when I’m at the airport. When I’m sitting in the exit row in an airplane, I think to myself, “Make sure you give a verbal “Yes” with eye contact and a friendly smile so they don’t think you’re going to take this plane down.”

It’s small things like that. Where I alter my behavior so that I don’t even give someone the opportunity to question me.

Creating Spcae


What does unity look like to you?

I’m currently reading Brene Brown’s, ‘Braving the Wilderness’ and it’s shining light on all the things that we, as a society, are doing to make us more and more divisive over time.

This quote speaks to me. So much. And I’m hoping that, with time, this stuff comes to me naturally. But I’m so grateful for the opportunity – today, tomorrow, and the next day – to keep showing up and trying.

“True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. If we are going to change what is happening in a meaningful way we’re going to need to intentionally be with people who are different from us. We’re going to have to sign up and join, and take a seat at the table. We’re going to have to learn how to listen, have hard conversations, look for joy, share pain, and be more curious than defensive, all while seeking moments of togetherness.” – Brene Brown

Divya Mathur is the blogger behind Eat Teach Blog. A recent transplant to rural Tennessee from sunny California, she is currently struggling with how to dress herself when the temperatures drop below 65 degrees. She experienced her first snowfall in January of this year and she is loving this new adventure in Tennessee as her husband pursues his dream of becoming a doctor. She loves reading, experimenting in the kitchen, and going on long hikes. She’s also a self-proclaimed wine connoisseur and – if calories didn’t count – would live off of french fries and froyo!
You can find her on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook 

Loving Who I Am [Creating Space]

Creating Space is a 5 part series that will be featured on Hugs & Lattes every Wednesday through the month of November. This is the 3rd installment. To view last two posts, see here and here. Please note that the interviewee’s experiences are their own; they cannot speak for anyone and everyone in their circumstances. While stories may be similar, each individual has their own perspective. 

I believe that I found Ro through Twitter, and boy am I glad that I did. I was instantly attracted to her blog, Chicken and Bliss, purely by the name. I thought it was fun and quirky, and knew that I would find a fun and quirky writer, too. Ro is a newlywed, so we’ve found common ground in newlywed life, being in an interracial relationship, and our love for exploring. I love how Ro articulates her heart and thoughts, and she has brought some more thought provoking gold to Hugs & Lattes today. I’m excited that you all get to meet her and read about her experiences growing up as an African-American and being in an interracial relationship.

loving who i am

Tell Me About Yourself 


Tell me a little bit about where you grew up, your family life, what you do, etc.

I grew up in Pennsylvania where I was the youngest of two children. My mother worked as a nurse and I believe that seeing the sacrificial heart that she had helped me to develop this love for helping others.

I am currently a teacher working in an inner city school, serving a wonderful group of energetic and intelligent 5th and 6th graders. When I’m not teaching, I’m exploring with my husband, spending time with family and friends, or brewing up blog posts.

What has your experience been as an interracial couple?

Honestly, it’s been great! I feel that although my husband and I come from different cultural backgrounds, we truly respect each other and genuinely desire to understand the other’s background. While I am definitely not fluent in Korean, I make an effort to learn the language out of respect for him and his family. Although he doesn’t understand some things about African-American culture, he’s always open to conversations about it.

It’s also really nice to be able to be with someone who gets it. Koreans have dealt with oppression in their history and so have African-Americans. We often share stories that have been passed down from generations of the pain that has afflicted our communities and how they’ve risen from it.

It’s so refreshing that although we’re both from different cultures, I don’t have to explain why something is offensive to my culture and neither does he. We both truly respect each other’s culture.

What are some things you and your husband celebrate about each other’s culture?

Other than getting to eat a lot of delicious Korean food, I love being able to participate in Korean events with my husband and our family. For example, my husband’s mother is a wonderful dancer and sometimes has performances where she’ll perform traditional Korean dance. It’s always a pleasure getting to see her perform and getting to learn more about the history behind Korean culture.  

For my husband, it’s been the same thing. It’s really an exchange of information and I feel that we learn something new about each other, about our cultures, and about the world through our conversations with each other.

What has been difficult being in an interracial relationship?

Honestly, it was difficult in the beginning because we would get some of the nastiest stares from some people we’d walk past. I’ve had people walk past us and say, “ching chong” to my husband as we walked down the street together. I’ve witnessed other men glaring at me as if being with him means that I suddenly despise my heritage that I love. Although, thankfully I don’t notice it as much as I used to, it bothers me sometimes when I see it. I remember, recently, there was a woman who stared at my husband while we were walking on a beach in NJ, so I glared at her as if I was shooting darts in her eyes. Probably not the nicest thing to do, however, hahaha.

Additionally, the assumption that by marrying my husband, I must hate myself or my race or must be looking to have “mixed” babies is hard to deal with.  It couldn’t be the furthest thing from the truth, but the people who make these assumptions don’t care about that.

I love who I am. I love where I come from and I love my race. I am proud to be a black woman, but I also love my husband. If my husband was a black man, I’d still marry him. It’s his personality, his love for God, his values, and his heart that I fell in love with. It’s just sad that for some people, I cannot love my race and yet love my husband, who just happens to be Korean, at the same time.

loving who i am

On Identity

How has growing up in America shaped your identity?

Growing up in America has shaped my identity because everything I’ve known has been here. I believe that I am very blessed to grow up in a country where I can be open about my faith without fear of persecution and where we have access to so many things. I am definitely aware of how blessed I am to be an American.

Do you have any pivotal memories growing up that strengthened or weakened your perception and identity of who you are?

Yes, I’ve had memories that have both strengthened and weakened my perception and identity. While I had a strong mother who encouraged me to not be afraid to advocate for myself, I also had the media consistently portraying negative images of black women as lacking beauty. It was hard sometimes to believe it when family would compliment me, because society often portrayed images of women who looked nothing like me growing up as more desirable. I had internalized this is ways that I didn’t realize, but also articulated in a couple of posts on my blog.

What is something that you love/embrace about your race/culture?

I admire the perseverance and strength of my race so much. Despite the hardships and oppression my culture has faced, there’s this consistent theme in every challenge of not giving up. My ancestors were knocked down so many times and yet time and time again, they continued fighting for the rights owed to them and I admire that so much.

What is something that is difficult to embrace about your race/culture?

Honestly, I think other people’s perception of my race as being lazy and moochers. It’s not only an incredibly offensive generalization, but I would like to think you have to be pretty strong and determined to be able to endure years of racism and still be standing.

loving who i am

On Racism and Faith in America

What are some microaggressions you have experienced in the US?

I’ve been so blessed to not have experienced overt racism before. Most of the racism I’ve experienced has been covert. It’s the compliments that are actually insults in disguise or use of the n-word, despite knowing it’s offensive origins. It’s a nervous look when I walk past someone who’s uncomfortable with the color of my skin. It’s when while reading a text that’s talking about fried chicken and watermelon, your professor looks you in the eye in the middle of a lecture class and says, “you know what I’m talking about – right?” Yep, that really happened.

What has been your response? 

Sadly, my response to these things have normally been to be almost over-polite to prove to them that I am not as harmful as they’ve assume that I am. I make sure to say “excuse me” in the sweetest voice that I can when passing them. Regarding the n-word, I have spoken about it before, but the conversation is usually met with the “why can’t I say it?” Lately, I’ve definitely been more vocal, when led, about these issues.

How do you reconcile your faith with the racial tension we have witnessed this past year?

The events of this past year have left me feeling angry at times. I’ve found myself really becoming enraged with the hate crimes occurring and just the evil actions of the people in this world. Yet, I remember my husband and I were talking one day about despite how hateful they’re being, I am no better than them if I am sitting there wanting bad things to happen to them. It was honestly one of the hardest things to have to get to a place where my husband and I prayed for supremacists. We prayed that their heart would be changed and that they would come to faith. It was so hard praying for someone who hated people who looked like me so much simply because I looked different. As much as this grieves the heart of God, I know that He wouldn’t want me to fight hate with hate and would instead want me to do what he commands us to do in Matthew 5:44.

I’ve also found myself praying more about how God wants us as a church to respond to the injustices in the world.

How has your local church responded/how has the global church responded in your opinion?

Our church has been holding drives and having very difficult conversations about race in church. I know conversations about racism can be uncomfortable to have in any setting let alone church, but I’ve been so grateful for their transparency and for them condemning it head on. I believe these are conversations that the church should be having, globally, because it is something that grieves God.

However, I have been disappointed in how some churches have been responding to this. While it’s probably easier to not have these discussions, it is an important conversation to have – especially if people desire to end racism and seek reconciliation. It starts with having adequate representation in leadership in the church and not just in the pews. It starts with prayer and acknowledging the plight of people in the world rather than ignoring it for the sake of not ruffling any feathers. It starts with boldly condemning racism, but unfortunately I’ve only seen a handful of churches actually do this.

We were all created in God’s image and as the body of Christ, seeing our brother or sister hurting should grieve us. It should move us to the point where we want to pray about it and want to do what we’re being called to in order to help this issue.

What is one thing you wish the white community could understand when it comes to race and racism in America?

Hmm, I’m not sure how to say this, so I hope this comes out the right way. I would love for them to know that acknowledging privilege is not a bad thing. As an American, I also have privilege because there are people in third-world countries that don’t have half of what I have as a result of where I was born. However, the question is do we live acknowledging that privilege and then turning a blind eye to the oppression of those around us that don’t have the same privileges or do we lend a hand? Do we lift one another up in prayer? Do we advocate as an ally for our brothers and sisters?

loving who i am


On Unity

What does unity look like to you?

To me unity looks like how the body of Christ that’s talked about in  1 Corinthians 12. I believe that each person has a particular gift and a unique calling that God has given them. I believe that each person has something to offer and that when one of us isn’t doing our part or is saddened, it’s felt throughout the entire body. I would imagine that unity looks exactly like that. It’s being unified, despite our backgrounds and upbringings, for a common goal. It’s supporting one another by grieving with those who grieve and rejoicing with those who rejoice. It’s by helping one another and not just when it’s convenient to us or worthy of an Instagram post. It’s genuinely living in community and loving our neighbor.

What are practical ways the white community partner and align with the minority community?

This is a hard question that I often feel like I don’t have the right answer to, because it’s one I find myself still wrestling with. After conversations with friends of mine who are white, I realize that it can be difficult to find ways to do this without seeming like as an ally they’re taking over or washing out the voices of African-Americans who are experiencing these struggles. As someone who stands as an ally alongside groups of people that I don’t necessarily identify as or with, I can understand the difficulty with this.

I’m still praying for wisdom in determining this, myself, but in addition to prayer, I think that publicly denouncing racism and to continuing to advocate on behalf of people in the black community by contacting representatives regarding certain issues is helpful.

Thank you so much, Ro, for sharing a convicting, yet uplifting post on the raw effects of racism in America. Next week we will turn to Divya from Eat, Teach, Blog, to hear about her life in a small town of East Tennessee.


creating spaceRo is a believer in God, a wife, an educator, and a self-proclaimed coffee-aficionado who loves traveling. She is the blogger behind, Chicken and Bliss, which is a faith and lifestyle blog fueled by copious amounts of coffee. When she’s not teaching or drinking coffee, she’s writing, serving, reading, taking photography, and spending time with loved ones. To connect with her, feel free to reach her at any of the links: TwitterPinterestFacebookInstagramChicken and Bliss


On Realizing I am Black [Creating Space]

Creating Space is a 5 part series that will be featured on Hugs & Lattes every Wednesday through the month of November. This is the 2nd installment. To view last week’s post, see here. Please note that the interviewee’s experiences are their own; they cannot speak for anyone and everyone in their circumstances. While stories may be similar, each individual has their own perspective. 

creating space

I found Asaake in the blog world a couple of months ago, and quickly fell in love with her writing style and her hair. (She rocks the gray hair and I absolutely love it.) Over the past couple of months, she has taught me more about Nigeria and we have compared notes on the similarities and differences between Zimbabweans and Nigerian culture and food. Nigerian food is way spicy, which I think I would like! When I was thinking of people to ask to participate in this Creating Space series, I knew I had to ask Asaake to share her experiences growing up in Nigeria and moving to America.

on realizing i am black

Tell Me A Little About Yourself

Tell me a little bit about where you grew up, your family life, what you do, etc.

I was born and raised in Nigeria. I come from a pretty big family so I lived with my siblings and cousins for most of my childhood. I currently work in the medical field, working on my masters and blogging in my spare time.  

What was it like for you to move from Nigeria and settle into life in America?

For the most part, it’s been pretty smooth. I had family members here already so settling in was fairly easy. However, I did have a hard time making friends for the first few years because I just felt like Americans just didn’t get me. Everything here was so different and people’s definition of “fun” seemed very different. Things have been adjusting fairly well now that I am much older and have become my own woman.

What was the biggest culture shock for you when you moved to America?

For me it was the fact that Americans could call their elders by their names *gasps*. In Nigeria, everyone older than you or perceived to be older or in a higher status has to have a “aunty” or “uncle” before their name. It’s just a sign of respect. That was very uncomfortable for me to grasp.

creating space

On Identity

How has growing up in America shaped your identity?

It wasn’t until I moved to the US that I realized that I am a black woman. I wasn’t sure how to relate with white people when I first moved to the Us and so i found myself always gravitating to black people and Africans because that was familiar to me. I ended up applying to a HBCU for that reason. A year later, I just didn’t quite fit into the HBCU experience.

The US made me realize that I am “African” and not “African American” but I am still Black. I learned what it truly means to be a minority here. I learnt colorism here- being a light skinned Black woman and feeling like I’m not black enough most times and not worthy to on “hashtag Melanin Monday”.

Do you have any pivotal memories growing up that strengthened or weakened your perception and identity of who you are?

I have had some pivotal memories that have both strengthened and weakened my perception of who I am. In relation to the topic of race in America, I think my first experience dating a white guy was pivotal for me. I knew it was allowed, my family is actually extremely open and accepting when it comes to individuals of other races. However, I don’t think I truly understood how to relate with white people without feeling like i’m losing my own self or my black identity. With dating my first white boyfriend, It taught me that I could still whole heartedly love someone of a different race and share my life and experiences with them without feeling like I’m losing some of my “blackness”. And that I could truly embrace other races and acknowledge our differences in Love without betraying the black race. From then on, i found that my relationship with white people blossomed. It opened the way for me to develop amazing friendships with non white people.

What is something that you love/embrace about your race/culture?

I love the culture, the people, the language and the food! Nigerian foods are one of the tastiest I have ever tried. Our languages are very distinct and our people can be very welcoming. I also love how communal my culture is compared to the individualistic culture here in America.

What is something that is difficult to embrace about your race/culture?

One thing that’s hard for me to embrace is the fact that many families desire a boy child more than a girl child. Male children are treated differently. Gender roles are taken to the extreme. I’m blessed to be from a family where this isn’t really an issue but It bothers me that there are people who actually deal with this.

creating space

On Racism and Faith in America

What are some microaggressions you have experienced in the US?

Omgosh so many!

I cannot stand when people ask me how my English is so perfect. Ugh, it’s 2017 people… We really do speak English in Africa.

Also, when people ask me if my hair is real -_-. I would never ask a white girl if her hair is real, I don’t know why people think it’s okay to ask black girls that. There’s just this wack belief that black girls can’t have long hair and so when you see a black girl with long hair you’re curious if it’s real or not. It’s actually annoying.

I’ve be followed around in stores especially in Asian stores and then having them try to nudge me towards cheaper items. Sometimes they even go as far as stressing the price of an item i want to buy as if unsure that I can afford it.  Quite frankly, I dread going to Asian stores for that reason.

Lastly, being told that I’m not “like other black people”. LOL listen. Don’t do it.

How do you respond in these instances?

I often just don’t respond because I’m just not a confrontational person. I have not learnt a productive way to respond to microaggressions so i’d rather just not respond. However, I might leave a smart comment here and there because I have a smart mouth.

How do you reconcile your faith with the racial tension we have witnessed this past year?

It is comforting for me to know that we are all one under Christ regardless of which racial group we belong in. Jesus sees us the same and loves us the same. As a christian, I know I am called to love others no matter what. This keeps me grounded even in my response to people who do not like me because of my skin color.

How has your local church responded/how has the global church responded in your opinion?

My local church is amazing. I go to a predominantly white church that is very much racially aware! We have lots of white families who adopt black children and seeing that every Sunday warms  my heart. Same goes for seeing the support these families are getting from members of the church. My church does not shy away from the issue of diversity and topics like racism etc. there  seems to be an open and warm environment for people to discuss and interact with members of different races. Our pastors do not hesitate to speak up on the racial divide and tension in the country. More so, the church does not hesitate to denounce white supremacy and any other form of racism no matter how minute.

What is one thing you wish the white community could understand when it comes to race and racism in America?

I really do wish the white community would understand that black people who fight for the rights of black people and the rights of minorities in America so not hate white people. Speaking up against racism and discrimination of minorities by white people doesn’t mean you hate white people.

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On Unity

What does unity look like to you?

Unity looks like Christ! It is loving those we do not necessarily like with the Love of Christ. It is acknowledging that though we are different, we do not have to hate each other for our differences. We can actually enjoy those differences, learn from it and enjoy the beauty that it brings. Diversity is beautiful!

What are practical ways the white community partner and align with the minority community?

The history of race is uncomfortable. It will always be uncomfortable. Running away from this issue doesn’t make it go away. The white community need to accept this and decide that NOW is the time to face it. I must say that I am truly proud of those who have the courage to embrace it in their own little way- whether is having the discuss with their friends, neighbors, etc.

  1. It’s important for white people to listen and hear black people/POC out when issues like this arises. Listen to these voices and don’t try to invalidate their experiences.
  2. Seek out friends in other races. The easiest way to learn about how you can support minories is from minories. If you don’t have people in your inner cycle to learn from then this becomes harder.
  3. Acknowledge that white privilege does exist and use that privilege for good. I’ll be honest, when i see issues about race online, i follow the thread just to see what white people have to say about it. It truly makes me happy when I see white people speaking up against racism and discrimination in a thread. It’s these little things that truly matter.
  4. Don’t be color blind. And don’t say you’re color blind either. It just never comes out right. Don’t say.
  5. If you’re one of those who say “all lives matter” when you hear “black lives matter”… please stop!

Thank you so much to Asaake for her vulnerability and authentic conversation on race in America. Join us next week as we talk with Ro about her experience with race and identity being in an interracial/intercultural relationship.

creating space

I’m Asaake, a 26-year-old Jesus lover & part-time blogger. I enjoy blogging about green beauty & slow living. I am currently transitioning to minimalism and totally enjoy the process of letting go of stuff and embracing living a beautiful less with fewer things.  I spend my time drinking tea and learning about how to live a simple yet fulfilling life.I’m everywhere, InstagramFacebook, Twitter, and Pinterest.

4 Steps Towards Living a Full Life

4 steps towards living a full life

Last week I passed by an oak tree – branches heavy with leaves. The house behind it peeked through its fullness and I thought, I want my life to be like that, Lord. Full.

And then the thought came: Your life will be as full as you want it to be. I get the choice. I can choose to live a full life or I can choose to live a small life. What does living a full life look like?

4 Steps Towards a Full Life

Become Uncomfortable

The older I get, I find myself more cautious. I am neater, more organized, and more aware of consequences and implications. All these things are an important part of development and maturity, but sometimes overthinking and staying too rigid leaves little room for adventure and the ability to be uncomfortable. It’s amazing the little things that make me uncomfortable these days: a change in routine, a small inconvenience. I’ve turned into a persnickety 83 year old in my early-mid twenties. When I get too comfortable with my routine, who I am, and where I am at in life, I limit myself.

One reason I knew I Mr.M was the man I was going to marry was the sheer fact that I was uncomfortable. From Day 1 of our relationship, he pushed me outside my comfort zone. I was uncomfortable at the level of spiritual vulnerability. I was uncomfortable navigating the intercultural nuances. I was uncomfortable with the leadership that came with our relationship. But my life was full. Being outside of my comfort zone pushed me in ways that I could never have imagined. I experienced intense growing pains during the beginning part of our relationship, and I loved it.

What is one area you need to get uncomfortable?

4 steps towards a full life

Establish Deep Roots

The second thing that came to mind as I considered the full oak tree is the roots. A tree cannot grow into adulthood and expand its wings, so to speak, without a deep root system. Likewise, we need our roots to grow long and deep into healthy soil.

How do we get our roots to grow?

We drink deeply, feed our soul, and press into our foundation.

Drink deeply of the life you are given, and press into your foundation. My foundation is my faith. I drink deeply of the wisdom of those older than me and of the Scriptures. I notice a change in myself when I’ve isolated myself from my roots. When I neglect to take time to feed my soul – whether that is refusing to take time for a bubble bath sans Netflix, going on a walk outside, or reading my Bible at night – I feel my leaves start to wither.

How do you feed your soul?

4 Steps Towards a Full Life

Healthy Soil

For those of you who grew up in Sunday School, you likely heard the parable of the sower and the seeds.

A sower threw his seeds into four different areas. The seeds fell onto the path, where they were eaten up by birds – they were denied the chance to grow. Other seeds fell into rocky soil. The plants quickly took root and shot up, but the roots were shallow and the plants were scorched by the heat. Some seeds fell among the thorns, where they were choked up, and the seeds that fell on good soil grew strong and healthy and produced a large crop.

Our soil is our community. Who are we surrounded by? Who do we have to lift us up? Who do we have to nourish us, encourage us, and give us the space to grow?

There were times when I felt as if I was on rocky soil. I feared that if one more thing happens, I would give up. During these times, I wasn’t surrounded by a strong community. I had isolated myself. And even worse, I allowed people who didn’t have my best interest to speak into my life.

There are growing pains that come with a full life. We go through various seasons, and if we are not rooted in a strong community, we will wither and die. What does a strong community look like for you?

For me, a strong community looks like peers who are ambitious. They are pursuing their dreams, their calling, and most importantly, the Lord. A strong community also consists of allowing people who are older and wiser to speak into my life – to call me out when I’m being crazy and to encourage me when I’m weak. In a strong community, there are also people who may be different than me – whether it be younger, or living with a different (but holy) perspective from whom I can learn.

What does a strong community look like for you?

4 Steps Towards a Full Life


When I think about how long it takes for an oak to grow, it’s exhausting. Oak trees can take up to 100 years to grow to their full potential. Some days it may feel like we see little to no growth at all in our lives. We wonder when we will reach our destiny and fulfill our potential. But we remember, growth comes little by little. We may not see it in the moment, but we get to look back and see how far we have come.

Living a full life takes patience. We must weather through various seasons, year by year, in order to grow. Like the oak tree, we experience high winds, torrential downpours, snow, the hot sun year after year after year. But one day, thirty years from now, when we look back, we will see how much we have grown.

4 Steps to Living a Full Life