This Is Why I Don’t Eat Veggies

Guys, I threw up last night.

 

Oh no, it gets better.

 

I threw up off a balcony.

 

After eating a piece of pizza, I was thinking “ew, this is gross. I want something green.” This is a rare thought I have. I really enjoy spinach salads, especially topped with vinaigrette and olive oil.  It’s the bomb.com. Except we didn’t have any spinach in the fridge, but there was this green leafy stuff all the cool kids are calling “Kale.” Apparently it’s all the rage these days. So I opened up the bag of kale, sprinkled all types of nuts and sugar snap peas, put on my dressing and then proceeded to take a bite. 

 

Self, I am so proud of you. Now you have a delicious and easy salad that you can blog about! Maybe you should venture into the world of Cooking and blog about your adventures. Like Julie & Julia, that one movie.”

 

 While I was thinking about all this, I was chewing on my kale, and it was much too big a bite (also, chewing kale is a workout. That green stuff is tough!) I tried swallowing half of it, and then the other half so as not to choke. That didn’t work. As soon as the kale hit my stomach my stomach said “Lol, NOPE” and then sent it right back up. I was on my parent’s balcony. And I thought “this is exactly why I don’t eat vegetables.” 

 

— They are no fun. Have you ever seen a child having fun whilst eating vegetables? No, you haven’t, because the world is cold and gray and they are being forced to eat vegetables. If you have seen a child smiling, that child was not me. Eating vegetables was also a battle of will when I was a young tyke, and while I often lost that battle, I never went down without a fight, hence, 

— The vegetable face. When I was made to eat vegetables, I would always gag. It grossed my Aunt Cassie out. If she saw me try to eat vegetables, she lost her appetite. The vegetable face stemmed from my gag reflexes, and looks a little something like this:

 

 

And that, my friends, is why I don’t eat vegetables around people. It’s just a natural reflex now. Even if I enjoy eating the vegetables. Which usually I don’t.

 

— My parents made me. My inherent nature was always to rebel against what my parents made me do. That’s probably why I don’t like vegetables, don’t clean my room, and have no respect for authority at all. (Friends, family, future employers, I am obviously lying here. Please hire me, I’ll respect you and love you and buy you chocolates. Because chocolates are not vegetables.)

 

— They don’t taste good. Trust me, if vegetables tasted like chocolate and potato chips, I would be all over that stuff. The truth is, though, they taste like they’ve grown out of the ground. They taste like dirt. And they taste like healthy foods and a long, happy, fit life. Who wants that?

 

— They might be bad for you. Hello, pesticides? I want my veggies tasting fresh. Sadly for you, Mr. Carrot Head, you taste like death. Although, lezbehonest, I wouldn’t really know the difference anyway.

 

 — They make you gag and throw up. 

The list should be longer, but unfortunately, the angel sitting on my right shoulder is telling me of all the reasons why I should eat vegetables, and I’m going to have to listen to her now. Leave below in the comments what your favorite veggie meal is, and the best way to cook em! 

 

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